If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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