i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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