my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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