It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
