We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
