Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
