Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
