have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
