How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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