Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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