I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
