I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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