How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
