I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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