Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
