Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
