Got a toothbrush?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
