oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
