I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
