someone threw a dead crab at me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
i believe in u and ur pee
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
