so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
