I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
