I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
youre lurking in front of me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
