So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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