So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
