You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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