His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
