She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
