good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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