Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
