I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
