I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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