i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
