sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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