I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
