if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We had to coat check the pizza.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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