Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You may now shotgun with the bride
We don't watch enough power rangers
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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