i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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