you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
