It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
