I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
