you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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