The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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