The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
