at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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