i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
