I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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