I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Never joke about your clitoris.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
