i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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