My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I looked at my own cervix.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
