You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
